Shakespeare Has No Place in Central
by Shrimptastic
Summary: Chapter One: Roy tackles himself some Hangover and some Caesar. Chapter Two: Ed's birthday present with a hint of Bond, Seinfeld, Harry Potter slash cracks, and one seriously enraged shrimp...
1. Chapter 1

I Don't own FMA

Shakespeare Has No Place in Central

"One of these days..." Roy growled viciously. There was too much goddamn noise to concentrate on his paperwork! Now, anyone with half a brain would realize what an oxymoron Roy concentrating on ANYTHING is, let alone paperwork.

Truth to be told he was hung over, thanks to the likes of Maes Hughes. It really was a stupid endeavor… _really_ stupid. Roy covered his eyes with his hands to try and ease the pounding in his head. He had the mind of a 12 year-old, he decided. After Hughes had busted out the tenth picture, Roy thought that the manic green-eyed Lt. Colonel _had_ to be nearing the end of his stash, and bored as Roy was, he decided that for every new picture Maes brought forth, Roy would down a shot. Test his manhood… if you will.

He didn't remember anything past the 3rd birthday pictures. And Elysia was five….

"I-" Roy began in a very pompous and commanding voice, as if he were about to declare Fridays mini-skirt day for all female officers for the rest of eternity and then some. "Am an idiot." He finished.

A rather large crash erupted from the hall, and he could hear the bane of his existence, cackling in all of his short blonde glory.

"Ed!" The muffled voice of his brother yelled, in a mix of concern and sheer embarrassment. More embarrassment than concern, that was for certain.

"What?" Fullmetal answered as loud an obnoxious as ever. Ed. Roy mused. What a dumb name. No wonder he could never remember it.

Roy let out a loud, self-serving, self-pitying groan and sprawled across his desk, knocking all semblances of "orderly stacks of paperwork" to the floor, and couldn't help but snicker. _Take that you intimate objects_.

Roy wondered if he could possibly still be drunk… Possibly. Yes.

A rather thin, waif-like, pathetic sheet of paper clung to the corner of the desk, teetering on the edge of doom. Roy stared at it. He exhaled quite forcefully (he wasn't _blowing _it off, merely exhaling heavily). It trembled, but stayed rooted to the desk. Roy pouted. His eyes darted to the door, shiftily. No one was coming in… He looked back at the paper, glaring at it, and violently slapped it off the desk. He smirked.

Yes. Still somewhat drunk.

Another fit of maniacal cackling was heard from outside, and Breda yelling. And Havoc's voice growing rather panicky…

"Fullmetal, when I become Caesar I swear to god…" Roy stopped himself. Furher… _not _Caesar. He wasn't epileptic. He couldn't be a Caesar. He was, however, going to lose an eye in the future, so that made him a prime candidate for Furher. _Sweet._ Roy smirked again, not really concerned with the loss of his eye… in the somewhat near future. Not to mention he wouldn't have to worry about pesky Brutus and Cassius.

He was suddenly reminded of reading Julius Caesar. He really wasn't one for literature- but that night, Lt. Hawkeye was dropping off some paperwork, so Roy sat down in his smoking jacket, with a glass of brandy and the only leather bound book he could find in his apartment (which was Julius Caesar). And thus, he pretended to read the book and waited. Unfortunately for him, Hawkeye wasn't able to swing by, and Roy not only got so bored he ended up reading the book, he also got quite giddy on too many brandy re-fills.

His favorite character: Cinna the Poet without a doubt. What an _idiot_! Roy smirked, and swallowed. He hoped he hadn't been drooling, but qué será será. Shakespeare was certainly a funny guy. Cinna the Poet actually kind of reminded him of Breda… now that he thought about it. Witty yes… soon to be dead, yes. But who was Roy? He couldn't be Caesar… he was too tall, too good-looking, and too… not epileptic. He was neither Cassius nor Brutus. So he must be Marc Antony. Clearly. Marc Antony was young, good looking, and he got Cleopatra. Heck yes he did.

Good quotes from Julius Caesar too. Like… "Et tu Brute?" … and…

That's really all he could remember at the moment. He was still drunk from the night before.

A rather unnerving clatter arose from the hall, and Roy jumped at the sound. He tried to save himself by gripping anything and everything on the desk, but he wasn't that coordinated, and instead fell back into his chair (which rolled) and of course the thing rolled away from him, and he found himself on the floor in a heap- the rest of the contents of his desk showering down on top of him.

Effing stapler.

Fullmetal… was cackling… again. Roy wouldn't have been surprised if Alphonse had just fell into a million LOUD pieces, because that little blond minion would be cackling at that too!

"HEY CHIEF!" Havoc nearly screamed. Roy's nerves were gone. His head was pouding, and seeing as he was still drunk he had no rational thought.

The colonel stood up, clawing the desk for support, all the while glaring at the door where the joyful sounds of laughter would soon cease and be replaced with dead silence. He ungracefully trod through the paperwork scattered about the floor with a look in his eyes that would have put Washington crossing the Delaware to shame.

He heard the inspirational, menacing, authoritative musical score in his head as he made his way to the door… which oddly enough sounded like the theme from _Spiderman_… and now… he only needed the quote…

He was going to …

Um…

And then the lightbulb went off.

He puffed himself up with a breath, and declared to the empty room as he placed his hand on the doorknob-

"CRY "HAVOC" AND LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR!"

Upon opening the door he was greeted with Fullmetal Shrimp being held upside-down by his ankles by Falman and Breda… and Havoc was tickling him.

"HAVOC!" Ed screamed with the fury of… not Fury. (More like the force of a great typhoon- to quote some song Roy remembered being very fond of.)

In the same instant, Black Hayate went scampering though Roy's legs knocking him to the floor. Ed was dropped… on his head… and aside from a bark and a slew of cursing, there was silence.

Roy stared dumbfounded at the scene.

Cry Havoc…

And let loose the dogs of war?

That did _not _just happen…

Roy got up, even angrier than he was before and closed the door behind him again. Shakespeare was a douche.

A/N: I wrote this for Mikomi's Pen. Who played Cinna the Poet in our production of JULIA Caesar.


	2. Wild Amestris Shrimp

I don't own FMA. I however, own the "21 to kill a man" conversation.

"You are aware that Edward's birthday is coming up, right?" Riza casually brought up the topic to her commanding officer.

"Who?" Roy sounded rather lazily, glancing half lidded up from behind his newspaper (he had _almost_ been asleep).

"Fullmetal."

"Ah. Right. You know he has the stupidest-" Roy began, ready to bad on the teen's first name _again._

"Yes I know sir." Riza interrupted. "You think "Ed" is the dumbest name since your own middle name…" She smirked.

Roy's eyes opened up wide, and the already pale-skinned Colonel seemed to pale just a bit more. It was a clear look of terror as he mentally began to asses the situation…. No… she couldn't have found out.

"_How_ do you know that?" Roy said in a slow, carefully enunciated sentence of shock, eyes still wide with fear and newfound respect for the sharp-shooting First Lieutenant.

"Unlike you Sir," Riza now fought to contain her very pleased smirk. "I spend a lot of time in the filing cabinet, Colonel Roy A-"

"SHUSH!" Roy commanded, waving his arms about like a trout out of water. A rather frantic trout out of water at that. "Think of it like Voldemort—the Name that must not be said."

"Sir that would be, "He who must not be _named"_." Hawkeye corrected him. Roy was terrible with literary allusions, or comparisons, or even… well… reading in general. Riza then made a face, and gave the Colonel the once over. "Harry Potter?" There was a long pause as Roy looked at her puzzled.

"What?"

"Really?" Riza raised an eyebrow, and turned back to her work.

"What?" Roy said, now feeling a bit self-conscious. "Besides the actual novels, the slash fiction can be pretty durn amusing." He shrugged, folding his paper, purposefully. The purpose was of course to find something to do rather than just sit there like an idiot.

Riza blinked and looked back at Roy.

"What was that?"

"Hmm? I didn't say anything." Roy played.

"I could have sworn…" Riza trailed off and turned back to her desk, looking at the wall and then shaking her head.

_Mustang 1, Hawkeye…. 10 billion._ Roy said. He was very proud of his one point.

"Anyway…" Riza said, having recovered from hearing _something_. "Fullmetal's birthday is tomorrow. He's turning 17. I think we, as an office, should do at least _something_ for him."

"17? You sure he's not turning 12?" Roy drawled, rather unimpressed.

"Positive." Hawkeye sighed. Talking to this man was getting really… really annoying as of late.

"Well coulda fooled-"

"Yes Sir, I know. He's as tall as a 12 year old. No, were not getting him stilts. No, we're not going to make a public announcement of his height. We're not going to measure him, and were certainly not giving him a gift basket of milk. We're _also_ not going to give him a uniform specially tailored for his height, there will be no little kid birthday favors, and you will _not_ raise all of the door handles and knobs above his reach." Hawkeye said with annoyed rapid speed.

_Well shit…_ Roy blinked.

"But… why?"

"Because, you're just going to provoke him, and frankly, I don't want to clean up the mess." She said pleasantly.

"Have you that little faith in me, Hawkeye?" Roy asked, appalled.

"No. I just have _that_ much confidence that Ed has one helluva short complex." She paused, and then shrugged. "And very violent ways of expressing himself."

"He should try the whole "serenity now" phenomenon." Roy giggled. Yes. Giggled.

"Sir, stop watching Seinfeld. It's clearly not good for you."

"The Summer of Mustang, Hawkeye, and Happy Festivus." Roy blew her a kiss.

"Ew." Riza said.

_Oh yea. She loves me._ Roy smirked.

"Anyway…" Riza started again. "I digress… you, as the commanding officer should have some say in what it is."

"Get him a stripper." Roy sat back in his chair, very uninterested in the whole ordeal because Hawkeye had cheated him out of his jokes.

"He's only 17, sir."

"Then, take him to a bar."

"Once again, he's only 17. Try thinking outside the gutter."

Roy rolled his eyes, and reopened his paper. He'd think of something… and if it had to be outside the gutter she was just going to have a wait for a while before he thought of something. Roy pouted from behind his newspaper.

There was a knock on the office door, and Breda came waltzing in, depositing another stack of paperwork in front of Riza… which she would ultimately deposit on the Colonel—from there it would never be seen again. Being the Flame Alchemist really had its perks in the workplace…

"Breda what are you wearing?" Hawkeye snorted, daintily of course. This perked Roy's interest, and he peeked out over his newspaper. Breda was wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch.

"Lost a bet." Breda grumbled and turned around slumping considerably in his gait, giving the Lieutenant and Colonel a great view of the bright pink feather tucked into the hat.

"Hold up there, what bet?" Roy asked, now thoroughly amused and intrigued. Any one of his underlings suffering so _had_ to mean a great story. He was a sadistic bastard, and he loved every minute of it.

"Havoc bet me on New Years that there was a National Pirate Day. He was drunk, so I took it."

"We have a National Pirate day?" Roy asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Apparently." Breda gestured to the hat and eye patch, sighed, and departed.

"You think the Fuhrer… because he has a…" Riza began, not quite finding the will to finish either statement.

"If I answer yes, does that qualify as treason?" Roy raised an eyebrow in response to the whole situation, and glanced at Riza.

"I wont tell if you wont."

"Then yes. I think so." Roy sat back in his chair, as did Riza, both of them highly disturbed. There was as long pause of contemplation between them.

"Remember when he gave Edward a melon?" Roy asked Riza, eyebrows furrowing even tighter.

"Yes I do."

"Yeah…"

"No kidding."

There was another long pause.

"Riza, don't you think I'd look dashing in an eye patch?"

"No."

"Too bad because I'm getting one in episode 51."

"Sir, you just mentioned melons, we're in the mangaverse and we don't know how that ends."

"Well, then I rescind my melon statement."

"You can't, its already typed." Hawkeye pointed out. _Smart as a whip that one._ Roy thought.

"Well then…" Roy struggled for a word. "Hush."

"I think we should get along with the plot, Sir." Riza said after a moment.

"Yeah… about that…" Roy said as a marvelous idea came to him.

"Just think, Brother. One more year and you can vote!" Al said excitedly. Ed looked at his brother with a look that said, "One more word and I break out the can opener". "Um… and buy cigarettes and pr0n?" Al amended.

"Who cares about that!" Ed cackled, wringing his hands together maliciously. "One more year and I can kill a man."

"No you cant."

"I cant?"

"Everyone knows you have to be 21 to kill a man, brother."

"Really?" Ed stopped in his tracks to glance at his younger sibling in surprise.

"Yup."

"Well shit." Ed said, rather miffed, scratching the back of his head (and yet slightly amused that his brother knew that you had to be 21 to kill a man).

"Anyway," Alphonse began, his voice as chipper as always. "It's just another milestone of the road to maturity." He said wisely.

"What? Are you saying I'm not mature?" Ed said, practically aghast. "I'm the most fuckin' mature kid in these here parts! I became a State Alchemist at 12! They might as well let me drink and kill a man, I'm way more mature than half of these suckers _and_ I'm half their ages…" He defended quite arrogantly as he purposefully knocked a stack of manila envelopes off of Havoc's desk with a crash. Ed once again, cackled.

Al nearly face-palmed. His brother was such a shit…

"Right…" Al managed to answer, for lack of a better reply. "So then," He began, turning to conversation to a more "plot friendly" direction. "If you're mature, then why are so angry that you are one year older?"

"Because." Ed crossed his arms, continuing his way down the hall toward Mustang's office. He glanced around, and stopped—making sure he was out of hearing range of his arch nemesis, Colonel Needs-to-fuckin'-die. "I'm 17 and…" he made another check of his surroundings _just in case…_ "I'm-not-as-tall-as-I'd-like-to-be." He said very quickly and just above a whisper.

Al was in a state of shock as he stared down at his temperamental blonde brother.

"Did you just call yourself—"

"SHUSH!" Ed demanded rather frantically, with hand motions. "I did NO SUCH THING!" Al tried to hold back a laugh. Ed got rather… animated when he was trying to justify himself. It was hilarious. "What I merely _commented_ upon was that I could be _taller. _In _no way_ did I _ever _say that I was sho—"

"Finally accepting your stature Fullmetal?" Roy commented snidely from his position, leaning against the doorframe of another office.

"SON-OF-A-BITCH!" Ed yelled grabbing his hair and throwing himself to the floor in agony, where he rolled around a few times growling like a rabid cougar.

Roy merely grinned rather smugly and stepped over Fullmetal and went back to his office. _Thank you Mother, for my incredible sense of timing and a terrible middle name…_ Roy thought.

When a rather disheveled Edward dragged himself back to a standing position, Al just stared at him, wordlessly for quite a while. Meanwhile the rest of the office went back to their cubicles after the display…

"Nice, Ed." Was all Alphonse could say. He of course was thinking, _Dear God do we really have the same mother?_

"Yanno Al…" Edward said dangerously. "Sometimes maturity is overrated, kay?"

"So then 24/7/365?" Al said before thinking, instantly regretting opening his mouth.

"DIE YOU TRAITOR TO THE NAME OF ELRIC!"

Al took off running, clanking all the way. And Edward was sprinting as fast as his short little legs could carry him in hot pursuit of his brother.

"I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL BE FILED WITH TUNA BY THE END OF THIS! YOU HEAR ME! I'LL WILL TRANSMUTE YOU INTO A TRASH CAN! OR MAYBE A MAIL BOX! YOU WILL BE THE NEXT HOOD ORNAMENT ON THE FUHRER'S CAR, YOU GLORIFIED LUMP OF REYNOLDS WRAP!"

"Sir, why are you grinning like that?"

"Oh nothing, I'm just so impressed with myself its disgusting." Roy said, placing himself into his chair, and propping his feet up on the desk, hands behind his head.

"You know, Sir, 'Pride goeth before the fall'…" Hawkeye advised.

"Hawkeye have you finished Blue Birds Illusion yet?"

"No, why?"

"Because Ed becomes the Homunculus Pride, not me."

"Really?" Hawkeye put down her pen. "How does that happen?"

"I kill him." Roy cackled.

"Bull shit." Riza snorted, then picked her pen back up and began sorting papers like wildfire again, stifling laughter every once and a while. "You, kill Ed, that's hilarious…"

"Shut up." Roy pouted, yet again. But then remembered his _devilishly witty_ gift he had for Edward, and it simply puffed his ego right back up to max capacity. "Moneypenny, do be a dear and call Fullmetal in here? He might still be rolling around in the hallway."

"Right away 00-Lazenby." Riza quipped right back. Roy was horror-struck.

"Right through the heart, Hawkeye, _right through._ Not even Roger Moore?" He struck his chest for dramatic effect.

"Not even Timothy Dalton." She said, standing to go do her master's evil bidding.

"But-" Roy clasped his hands and rested them on his desk. "I _bet_ you think I'd look dashing with an eye-patch, don't you?" He tried again. Riza stopped, turned around and regarded him with her fiery amber eyes, she quirked her head and smiled a bit. Roy's eyes began to sparkle with hope.

"Nope. Not at all." She said pleasantly, and then turned and walked away.

"SHE-DEVIL!" Roy called after her.

Edward walked into the office and saw everyone standing around Roy's desk at attention. Alphonse was a few steps behind him. Ed was quite convinced he had never been in a fouler mood. Ever. Never ever.

"Yeawhut?" He demanded of the room of soldiers. "I'm busy?"

"I got busy with your mom _last night_." Breda snorted.

"Token Breda "Your Mom" joke, check." Both Ed and Al said at the same time.

"Moving right along…" Roy began.

"That's what she said." Breda snickered (still in his pirate uniform).

"Will you _shut up_?" Roy glared at the dog-hating soldier.

"Your mom said that in-"

"Christ on a bike…" Roy moaned loudly.

"Why the FUCK am I here?" Edward yelled above the cacophony that was getting a running start.

"A belated "Happy Christmas" Short Boss?" Havoc offered. He was still a bit hung over from new years, and no one really noticed him on account of his mind was running a bit slow…

"What the hell are you British now?" Roy balked.

"OMFG zeppelins." Edward paled suddenly and looked horrified, and then returned to normal (as normal as Ed could be…). Everyone stared at him.

"Um, I think you're clairvoyance is acting up again, brother."

"Oh my God is he clairvoyant?" Fury said excitedly, nearly jumping up and down.

"No," Ed said pleasantly. "I've just been reading spoilers."

The group let out a collective groan.

"Fatty over there gets an eyepatch." Ed gestured.

"Dammit." Riza cursed. Roy winked at her.

"Moving right along…" Roy said, rather pleased with himself.

"Happy Christmas, Ron!" Havoc suddenly blurted, then looked confused. "No one here is named Ron…"

"Wow…" Ed and Al said at the same time in pure unadulterated disbelief.

"Harry/Draco 4 eva!" Roy said quickly and kissed his fist and held it in the air for a split second before returning to normal.

"Wait, what?" Falman said (never to be heard from again).

"Ew." Ed drawled out. Al merely pretended to look confused.

"I don't get it brother…" He _said_ keeping up his _cover_ of innocence.

"I _knew _I heard you-" Riza began.

"ANYWAY," Roy boomed, scaring the glasses off Fury. "I hereby bequeath Fullmetal's 17th birthday present on behalf of the Amestris Military." Roy stood and held out a very nice black leather portfolio case, with the national emblem emblazoned upon it in silver leafing.

There was much "oooh-ing" and "aw-ing" from the hung over Havoc.

"For god's sake man, take Chaser© next time." Riza face palmed.

"Nice product placement, Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"Thank you, Alphonse."

"What is it?" Ed stared at it.

"Open it, idiot." Roy rolled his eyes.

Ed tentatively reached (up) and took the portfolio and examined it. It wasn't rigged to explode that he could tell, but he still frowned with a vengeance as he opened it.

Edward began reading… and Roy jumped over his desk and started running, knocking the glasses off Fury again (who had just put them back on).

"…hereby declares January 3rd National…SHRIMP APPRECIATION DAY?" Edward shrieked and took off after Mustang (who was scatting the James Bond action theme at the top of his lungs).

"ILL SHOW YOU THE POWER OF SHRIMP! I WILL JUMBO SHRIMP YOUR ASS, COLONEL SLASHY! THIS IS ALL NATURAL WILD AMESTRIS SHRIMP BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK, PUNKASS! STOP RUNNING AWAY! STAY STILL SO I CAN BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU! I WILL _PRAWN_ YOU!"

"He must have one helluva lung capacity to be able to run _and _yell like that…" Breda observed.

"You have _no_ idea…" Al groaned, picking up the portfolio.

"I really should have seen this coming…" Hawkeye sighed.

A/N:

No Shakespeare quote, but hilarity and the absolute torture and demise of the fourth wall. The "00-Lazenby" is in reference to George Lazenby, who was hailed as the worst James Bond ever (because of not only his acting, but also a terrible script and only made one movie). Timothy Dalton is usually dubbed second worst Bond ever. Roger Moore I consider the middle ground.

I also don't own Harry Potter. Or Bond. Or Chaser. And yes… there is a National Pirate day.


	3. National Pride: Wtf Goats?

"…So then I woke up to find a fucking _goat_ in my _room_. _Snuggling_ with me…"

"Ewww…" Alphonse made a face. Or rather, he didn't. But the tone of his voice suggested that if he could, he would have made a face. A face of disgust, while we're on the topic.

"I _know_." Edward answered, horrified. He _was _making a face. Because he could. Because he was not made of metal, as it were.

"Okay, whatever you two are talking about… I really don't want to know…" Roy cleared his throat as the two Elric brothers approached the rest of the group of soldiers, sans Riza Hawkeye. Of course what Roy _meant _was "Hmm. Interesting, I had that same experience once… oh Edward _must _tell me what happened later…"

"Stuff it, Fatty." The blonde one answered, crossing his arms.

"Your mom stuffed me _last night…_" Breda offered Edward. Havoc goaded him on with a well placed: "OOOH! PWNED!" and a high five.

"Considering that you're fat, yeah… that was actually a wittily ironic "your mom" joke… at your expense for once." Roy pointed out. It made perfect sense to him, seeing as he was just oozing with wit and charm. And booze. But that was another kettle of fish all together…

Fish swimming in _whiskey…_ Roy thought in a sing-song voice.

"What?" Breda blinked, still smiling.

"Ew." Edward and Alphonse both said and shuddered.

"Can we SERIOUSLY stop with any jokes pertaining to our MOTHER?" Edward demanded rather loudly (as usual)."It's just WRONG!"

"What was that?" Roy asked Edward, looking down at him. "Did you say something shrimp-o?"

"AUGH!"

"Ed…."

"Yanno, Havoc-" Roy turned to his manic Lieutenant. "Shrimp scampi would be a great addition to the cafeteria. Make it happen."

"Would you like that with extra large shrimp, or small shrimp?" Havoc asked lamely, snickering, while Ed had to be restrained by his brother.

"Is there really such a thin as an extra large shrimp?"

The two began to laugh deviously.

"Attention…" Riza entered the room, carrying a leather portfolio embossed with the symbol of the National Flag. Edward paled at the sight of it. Furey was behind her, having to walk rather…awkwardly… to keep up with Riza's smooth and long-legged gait.

"Aha, Moneypenny-" Roy began, feeling his ego hit the ceiling from his rather lame shrimp scampi joke.

"Shut. Up." She cut him off.

"Yes Ma'am." He turned to Havoc and whispered, "She is a _real _ball buster."

Havoc was tempted to say "that's because she DE-NIED you on multiple occasions." which would have triggered a token "my mom denied you, _last night_." from Breda. But Hawkeye, every fiber of her being down to the way she daintily tucked a bit of stray golden hair behind her ear, demanded attention, and her death glares (of which she was giving them all PLENTY) were second to no one. Riza Hawkeye does not sleep…she waits…

"I just got this from the Fuhrer, and he asked me to present it to all of you."

"Would it have anything to do with... January... Third?" Edward asked her quietly so that no one would hear. Riza was more than bemused, but then noticed the way Edward was glaring at the portfolio she held in her hands. She sighed.

"Though it does have to do with dates, Edward, no. Don't worry about it." Edward heaved a sigh of relief and seemed to melt as he made his way back over to his brother. The sooner everyone forgot about _that _little birthday present incident, the better…

Fucking Mustang…

"What was that I heard about a date, Hawkeye? Do you finally accept?"

Riza turned her head ever so slightly to look at the snickering Colonel on her right.

"In the words of Edward, Sir, "What would make you think that, Captain Syphilis?"." She looked back at the folder and snapped it open.

Roy's eyes went wide, his mouth hung open, and he seemed to turn a "whiter shade of pale" to coin a phrase. Or song title. Whichever. You say tomato, I say tomahto. Tomato + Potato Pomato!

"Did I ever mention how much I liked her? Because I _really _like her." Edward beamed. Everyone else was stunned into silence.

"That's…what…she… Yeah I got nothin'." Breda shrugged.

"I think we're losing focus." Alphonse offered.

"Right you are Alphonse," Riza cleared her throat. "The Fuhrer has brought it to my attention, that we need more "frivolous National Pride." Riza managed to air quote, and then miraculously have the folder in her hands immediately after once again.

"Haha, Pride! Get it!" Edward cackled maniacally. "Cuz it's the Fuhrer… National _Pride? _Nothing? Not one inkling of understanding?" Edward's smile faded.

"Not everyone is a spoiler reading whore like you, brother."

"Shove it, Al."

"Moving right along, the Fuhrer has declared each month a special month of National Pride." Riza raised her eyebrow. "Oh this is not good." She declared in the same voice she had been announcing in.

"Is this anything like National Pirate Day?" Havoc asked, lighting up another cancer stick. Silly cancerous Havoc.

"Frighteningly… Yes." Riza's eyebrow twitched.

There were groans all around.

"Anything like January-" Roy began snidely.

"SHUSH!" Edward screeched and launched himself at Roy. Al caught him while Ed was flying parallel to the floor at Roy. "Unhand me cretin!"

"Yes, Roy. Yes it is." Riza sighed and began to read. "January has been declared _National Meat Month…_"

Crickets were heard all around.

"Back the truck up over Mustang's head…" Edward frowned, as he was lowered back to the floor by his brother. "As in…steak? Not like… meet new people… but… meat? Like cow? Like… goat?"

"What is it with you and _goats_ Fullmetal?" Roy put his hands on his hips in an air of effeminate bother and miff-age. Basically, if there was _fun_ to be had with _goats_… Roy wanted in. His question went unanswered, however. And then Roy Mustang died. Never to be heard from again. Not really. But I had you there for a second, didn't I?

"Why the hell is Amestris glorifying meat?" Havoc asked, taking a long drag. No, not dragging someone. A drag on his cigarette.

"Your mom glorified my meat, _last night._"

"Boy did I walk right into _that_ one." Havoc sighed, blowing smoke.

"Yeah ya did." The Elrics agreed at the same time.

Riza cleared her throat again. "Just to make sure everyone got that… January… National Meat Month. Moving on to February…has…two." Riza face palmed. "We are ruled by a tyrannical ignoramus."

"What does it say, Hawk?"

"February is hereby decreed as National Sleep Safety month and…National Boost Your Ego Month." For the first time in her life, Riza though of maybe leaving the military to pursue her dream of becoming a ninja.

"And the day is mine!" Roy jumped up from where he had been seated on the edge of his desk. "Boost my ego now minions!"

"I'll boost your ego you _fuck." _Edward seemed to puff himself up to seem as big as possible (as is the natural defense mechanism of wild shrimp- erm- animals) and charged Roy. It was a good effort, to be sure. But the very disinterested Colonel simply held the alchemist as arms length. By his head. Ed tried to punch… but he was out of range.

"And, um… what the _hell_ is Sleep Safety? I mean, who hurts themselves sleeping? Better yet, how is that _even_ possible?" Roy said his one intelligent sentence of the day. Breda exchange glances with Fury, Riza's eyebrow raised even higher, Roy held the battling shrimp at bay (haha: BAY and SHRIMP), the shrimp continued to punch, Havoc shrugged and lit another ciggie, and Alphonse sweat dropped. Yes he did. Don't question. Ever.

"D'ya think…" Riza began. "That the Fuhrer…"

"Is speaking from personal experience?" Roy finished.

"Yeah…"

"Don't think about it. It hurts too much."

"Yes Sir." Riza shook the terrible thoughts of the Fuhrer and his sleep habits out of her head. "March…National Noodle month."

"Your mom liked my noodle, _last night._"

"Sweet!" Edward exclaimed and stopped punching _at_ Roy. "I love noodles!"

"Now you get a month to celebrate them, congratulations." Roy quipped, releasing Edward's forehead. Big mistake. Ed turned around and, grinning like the sly little bastard that he was, punched Roy square in the jaw and sent him tumbling over the back of the desk backwards, ass over tea kettle.

"Ten points, for the Short Boss." Havoc noted in his _journal. _

"You little shit!" Roy snarled from the other side of the desk as he pulled his disheveled self up.

"Sir, contain yourself. We have work to do." Riza gave him a look.

"But he just-"

"Hush."

"But-"

He was given a death glare.

"April is…" Riza trailed off and then began giggling hysterically. Riza Hawkeye, pride of the Amestris Military, role model to generations, and Queen of RoyAi Fandom, was giggling…uncontrollably.

"Oh God, what?" Roy muttered, dropping his head to his hand.

"Well…" The giggling was replaced with a loud outburst of hysterical howling as she tried to regain control. She failed and slowly sank to the floor. "Oh my God, it's so perfect…" She wiped a tear from her eyes.

"What…the fuck?" Edward cocked his head, bemusedly. Havoc stepped in and took the folder from Hawkeye.

"Okay lesse… April is National- HAHA OMFG ROTFL!" Havoc actually_ said._ He's been spending too much time blogging lately (under his LJ username: Likedoodihellahaveadate and his MySpace: Iizhotpleasedateme) and seemed to have fallen into Internet Speak in the time of hilarity. Riza and Jean both silenced themselves, looked at Roy and then proceeded to lose themselves in a fit again.

"What the hell!" Roy demnded.

"Alphonse, find out what's going on." Edward snapped.

"Right-o." Al nodded and walked over, taking the portfolio from the sill laughing First Lieutenant.

"April is National Sexually Transmitted Infection Awareness Month…" He read pleasantly. The crickets chirped, and everyone stared, and then Al realized what he said. "Ano…Ni-san?" He began, and then paused quite a while, staring at the paper. "EW!"

"Clearly, that was written just for Mustang." Jean said, fully recovered, arms crossed pointedly.

"Clearly." Riza agreed, in the same position.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Roy spluttered. "I DO NOT HAVE SYPHALIS!" Roy shouted.

"You said that Boss, not us…" Jean nodded, once again, pointedly.

"Are you insinuating something?" Roy glowered and raised his fingers—ready to snap.

"Um… no." Jean slunk behind Hawkeye.

"Brother I think I'm scarred for life."

"You'll get used to it, Al." Ed waved it off. Wow… the stories he could tell. But that was a different kettle of fish altogether.

Fish swimming in Roy's blood... Edward thought maliciously.

"Brother, you're drooling."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Well um… I'd say that one wins once and for all." Riza said, "And for some reason, the Furher knows Roy's sexual habits…" Her face drained of color. As did Havoc's. As did Ed and Breda's. And then, Fury caught on.

"You don't think that…" The bug-eyed Sergant-Master shuddered.

"Okay that just makes slash not hot at all." Edward sighed.

"I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH THE FURHER!" Roy screamed.

"The first step… is admitting it to yourself… then you can come out." Riza said politely.

"Are you kidding? He's so far in the closet he's finding Christmas presents." Jean quipped snidely to Riza.

"Yes, I know, but positive reinforcement is the key." She muttered. "May is National… Salad month."

"Rabbit food." Roy declared.

"Who the fuck eats salad?" Ed crossed his arms.

"Roy does. When I make him." Riza glowered at Roy. And that was the end of it. "Oh, and by the way, does anyone think that this is utterly ridiculous, if so say  
"Aye"."

There was a resounding chorus of Aye's. Not to be confused with Aye-Ayes, the precocious little marsupials that they are.

"Oh, okay, good, as long as were on the same page."

"Um question," Roy began. "Because it's National Salad Month… do we have to eat salad all month?"

"Um… I don't… know…" Hawkeye responded, and then ignored the comment entirely. "June is National Adopt-a-Cat Month…"

"REALLY?" Alphonse nearly kicked off his armored shoes in a fit of joy.

"No, Al." Edward said sternly.

"Shit." Al said in a cute pout.

"July is Tahiti Awareness Month…."

Breda stood up to all his pudgy glory.

"ATTENTION, EVERYONE, I AM AWARE OF TAHITI."

Riza pondered a minute.

"Yanno, Tahiti isn't even supposed to exist in this particular universe." She said to Roy.

"Yeah… about that… Honeymoon?" He grinned at her.

"Sure." She shrugged. Roy was dumbfounded. Had he finally found the password to let him FINALLY get at Riza?

"Wait… really?"

"I didn't say with you now did I?"

"Fuck. Foiled again." He snapped… unintentionally burning Fury. Not that anyone noticed.

"August: National Catfish Month…"

"Wow." Edward drawled.

"Catfish?" Al seemed to ask hopefully.

"No, Al."

"Dammit." Al cursed adorably.

"September… National Gay Squaredance Month." Hawkeye sighed.

"I think the Brokeback Mountain Phenomenon is going a bit too far…" Roy posed the question.

"Dude, you are so gay, you saw that movie?" Edward laughed quite evilly.

"I saw it with you, Fullmetal." Roy snapped right back. Edwards smile sank like the Titanic. With out the sappy love scenes.

"D00d…." Breda and Jean went wide eyed.

"Brother! You saw that without me!"

"I'll go with you next week, Al."

"Okay, sure. Dinner before?"

"Indeed."

"Okay… that was …" Jean picked his words carefully. "Awkward… on both counts."

"Edward, you little minx!" Breda clapped him on the back.

"What?" Edward asked confusedly. As per usual.

"Clearly, he's not an adult yet…" Roy rolled his eyes.

"That's not what you said last night." Ed grinned. Everyone stared in terror. And silence. Including Roy. "Oh… wow…" Edward scratched his head. "That was…really gay…"

Roy coughed. "Uh, yea it was."

"Moving right along, October is National Seafood month."

"SHRIMP!"

"AUGH!"

"BRINE SHRIMP!"

"OH GO TO HELL!" Edward was about to clap and make some really _interesting_ situations for Roy, but Alphonse grappled with him and held both of his wrists so that his hands couldn't connect.

"November is…" Hawkeye began.

"National Turkey month?" Havoc suggested.

"No."

"National Stuffing Month?" Breda tried. At least they were having fun with all of this…insanity.

"No again. And I stuffed your Mom last night." Riza said dutifully.

"National Kill the Indians Month?" Fury said gleefully…

"Um… no. National Raisin Bread Month."

"Aw!" Havoc slapped his thigh. "Shoot. Raisin Bread."

"Finally… thank you Jesus… December." Riza sighed. "In the fashion of the Holiday spirit, the Fuhrer dictates that December is National "Hi, Neighbor" Month." Riza threw the portfolio over her shoulder.

"Well… of course. That makes sense…" Roy blinked in confusion. Of course he

only blinked one eye. He was practicing for when he acquired his quite dashing eye patch.

"He couldn't have made it National Fruitcake Month?" Fury asked. Havoc hit him over the head with his fist, sending the poor minion's glasses flying… again.

"Why would he do that, that would almost make _sense_." Havoc rolled his eyes. "And I thought National Pirate Day was bad…"

"Well. Suddenly I find myself more supportive of Roy's planned coup. Even though he'll wear that stupid eye patch afterwards." Riza rolled her eyes.

"DASHING not STUPID, Hawkeye."

"Whatever." Riza rolled her eyes.

"Wow. I think even Roy can be a better Commander In Chief than King Bradley." Breda snorted.

"But not as good as Gina Davis." The long lost Falman amended.

"Well of course, I never said that!" Breda said defensively. "Whoa, dude, I totally forgot you were here."

Falman sighed. "Such is life."

"Roy will do fine until I usurp his position and take over Amestris in the name of Elric!" Ed leapt (like the nimble creature he was) and stood on Roy's desk, cackling with his hands on his hips.

"And cats!" Al hurrahed.

"Um… no, Al. No cats."

"Fuckin' A Brother!" Al kicked at the rug.

"I usurped your mom, last night." Breda sniggered.

"Sit down, you idiot." Roy pulled a tai-jitsu-flame-y-combat move and knocked Edward's legs out from under him. Shorty McAlchemist fell right on his ass rather hard.

"OW you FUCKER that HURT!" Holy word emphasis Batman!11

"Oh, want me to make it feel better?" Roy mocked.

"Ya know what, YEA I DO!" Edward glared.

"FINE THEN. Meet me in that old storage closet in an hour!" Roy nearly screamed in rage.

"FINE, I'LL BE THERE. BET YOU WONT HAVE THE GUTS TO SHOW UP, COLONEL WANNA-BE-ASAIN!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

The both got up and stormed out opposite doors of the office.

…

"Do they even realize what they just _said_?" Havoc exclaimed in utter shock.

"No… I don't think… so…" Riza blinked, and looked awkwardly at her remaining co-workers. "Um…"

Edward poked his head back in the room rather embarrassedly.

"Okay…what did I just say?" He laughed nervously. "Cuz… Mustang just went skipping down the hall…"

"Ed! This is how you got in the situation with the goat!" Al flung his arms up in

a hopeless gesture.

"That _fucking_ goat…"

A/N: with more bad slash references than your usual FMA parody! The funniest thing about this is that all of those stupid-ass National Holidays are _really_ National Month Of's. No really. They are. Some of the other funny ones are "National Prune the Fat Month" for January. "National Potato Lover's Month" for February. My personal favorite "National Florida Tomato Month" for April, as well ""Uh-Huh" Month". And "Romance Awareness Month" for August. Not my best chapter, in fact I went straight for the shameless comedy and not so much the witty "oh, how delightfully humorous." But really… when did I EVER do that?


End file.
